Weekly feature by: Matthew Nemeth
Dear The CIA,
I am writing to express my keen interest in procuring employment within your esteemed organization. In lieu of the traditional résumé, I have compiled a comprehensive list of personal attributes that demonstrate I possess the professional know-how and requisite skills to become a topnotch secret agent. Most are self-explanatory, though I would be happy to elaborate at length during the subsequent interview process.
First and foremost, I love America. I love it so much that I would do anything to safeguard its welfare. And when I say “anything,” I mean “anything,” as I have a lax moral compass.
Not only do I possess the desire to protect and serve my country, but also the physical means to do so. I can bench press one hundred and fifty-five pounds. This might not sound like a lot, but it is actually quite impressive for someone who works out as infrequently as I do. My Modern Warfare rating is a forty-four; needless to say, I am a deadeye shooter and surgical with the flash bang. I can run a sub-seven minute mile and—thanks to YouTube and Spike TV—I know a small, but potent cache of mixed martial arts moves. Although my physique is capable, I am but vaguely charming and blandly handsome, which will allow me to fleece enemy agents without the risk of being remembered.
Furthermore, I am well-educated, well-read and an incredibly fast learner, especially when I take Adderall. Throughout my schooling, I aced a slew of courses that helped form a knowledge base suitable for CIA fieldwork, including, but not limited to, Physics, Chemistry, Psychology and, of course, Spanish—it’s the second most spoken language in the world (according to Wikipedia). Perhaps more applicable, I have seen
every film in the Bourne series, as well as Safe House and all five seasons of Homeland. Accordingly, I am fluent in spy protocol and vernacular. Rest assured, no one has ever called me a “rogue” and I rarely, if ever, “go off the grid.”
That established, I fully understand the importance of discretion when it comes to government operations. I am a seasoned secret keeper. I do not have, do not want, and do not know how to use a Twitter account and my Facebook profile is equipped with the highest privacy setting available. I have a hard time trusting people and a propensity for sniffing out liars, evidenced by the fact that I have gotten three girlfriends to admit to cheating on me (references available upon request).
I work well alone. I work well in a team setting. I have no real attachments and am free to start immediately. I am unmarried, unemployed, and possess only lukewarm feelings for my friends and family.
Thank you very much for taking the time to review my application. If you need anything else, please let me know. It would be greatly appreciated if you could field a handful of my queries in the interim. What is the pay? Is there a dress code? How many vacation days do secret agents normally receive? What is the protocol for expenses? Do you use direct deposit? How long do employees get for lunch? Do they just leave or do they have to tell someone they are stepping out to grab food?
Many thanks for your consideration. I look forward to being in contact in the coming weeks.